Lock down started over a week ago now. And I feel like I shouldn’t be this affected by the entire situation because I’ve been an introvert for the past twenty-two years…
But after three years of working in an office, making friends, and talking to people on the phone regularly… I’ve ended up with anxiety about being alone.
My depression has worsened since being at home. I’ve officially not left my house in nine days. I’ve gone outside, into the garden. But that’s as far as I’ve been getting.
I seem to be the one to check on everyone else while we’re all working from home, which isn’t really helping this entire situation. Because I get left with my head, and people don’t check on me. And they shouldn’t need to. But it would be nice, having someone to talk to that isn’t my misgendering parents.
I decided yesterday that I needed to go back on my stronger anti-depressants. Not just ones that balance me, but the ones that kept me sane. But then we realised that I had none left, and getting my normal ones has been hard enough in this situation.
The first thing my mum said when I asked for a doctors appointment was “Why do you need them?”
I know she had good intentions, just checking. But the way she said it fucking hurt.
I’m open about my mental health. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder – on top of Gender Dysphoria. I had suicidal tendancies for eight years, and I’m a recovering bulimia sufferer.
I’ve never really had good mental health, so I should be able to just say: Hey, I’m not doing so good. I’m going to get help. Without the probing but why questions.
We know my mental health isn’t good, I cope with it on a daily basis.
And I know, I shouldn’t be having this issue while in isolation. Yeah, it’s not a great situation to be in but I’m health (or at least I don’t have Covid-19) and I have food, and things to do. I have a partner that loves me and I have more time to write and paint. But that isn’t going to stop the chemical imbalance in my brain from being a douchebag.
I’m hoping that I can get a telephone doctor’s appointment. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to leave the house, and I really need to get something in my system to help my brain because it’s currently losing a battle that I don’t really want to lose.
I suppose the reality of this is: if you’re someone with poor mental health, and you need someone – there are people to go to. You’re not alone in this.
If you want to talk to me, I’m always here!
Otherwise, there are people that you can speak to. I’ll link some places below.
Telephone: 0300 123 3393
Their telephone line is open 9 AM to 6 PM, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays).