Twice a day an alarm sounds on my phone. It vibrates like a siren. At that point, I know that I’m able to get something to eat – it’s my snack alarm.
I’ve been asked How can you forget to eat? Don’t you get hungry? Honestly, no.
I don’t get hungry anymore, or maybe I’m never satisfied? Either way, my stomach telling me that I’m hungry never works.
It’s something that I’ve had to start ignoring. Because if I’m always hungry, how do I know when I actually have to eat?
I have an alarm that tells me when I can eat. Not if I’m hungry, because that’s technology that we don’t have yet. But at least I can tell myself to eat, and remind myself when to. Because otherwise, I have days like yesterday. I got up and had breakfast – knowing that this was the third thing that I had to do in my routine. But I forgot snacks and lunch. Meaning that I had nothing in between my single sausage wrap at 7 AM and my small, homemade lasagne at 6 PM. I’m on a calorie deficit diet, so not eating 2000+ calories is okay, But with a calorie count under 1000, it’s not a good idea. Especially after having an appointment at the eating disorder clinic yesterday…
So, I tried to make up the calories – having a yoghurt as dessert and a packet of Fridge Raiders. But I was still short… I had 950 calories, because I didn’t set my alarms.
The problem of living with an eating disorder is that your food clock or requirement is different to everyone else. Most people start feeling hungry and decide to eat something… But I don’t get that, so something has to remind me to eat. And it’s better being an alarm that low blood sugars, passing out, or an actual person telling me to eat.