Warning: content contains information on my mental health issues, including discussion of eating disorders.
I don’t have many people I can call my best friend. I have more than one – I have a few. Specifically, I have four.
[Note: I’m ordering these lovely human beans in the only way I saw fit – in the order they are in my DMs. One messaged me last; then it was Two, and so on…]
One: I’m going to marry
Two: the person I’m going to ask to be my Iron Maiden of Honour. (Because you can’t have a traditional Maid of Honour and Best Man when both people getting married are not typical!)
Three: someone I’ve worked with, laughed with, hugged and holidayed with
Four: The person, of all my Best Friends, that has known me the longest – the person that has had my back since day one.
This open letter isn’t to my One, Three, or Four.
This is to Two. For the sake of this – mainly because I hate numbering people – I’m going to call them Freddie.
Today was rough for me. People don’t understand how difficult it is for me sometimes, my relationship with food is not the best. I either binge or I starve. I know it’s not healthy, it hurts to think about it, and as I’m writing this my eyes are watering.
I started struggling when I got to High School. I already had issues with my weight before this point, but it wasn’t because I would binge or starve. I wasn’t lazy; I couldn’t get rid of the weight, no matter what I did.
When I got to High School, my perception of my body changed. It was no longer – I wish I could fit into nicer clothes – it was I hate myself. Because I was big, am big, I thought I needed to punish myself.
I suffered from a form of Bulimia – I would binge then purge, and it was a vicious cycle. In so many ways I still suffer with it.
I will sometimes let myself go hungry as a form of punishment, or eat when I’m not hungry so that I have to purge.
I’m not proud of it. It’s the worst feeling I have, and I struggle with it daily.
But, today was harder than usual. It’s Christmas Eve, I was at work, and our employers decided to get us food… And most people would be excited about that, but when I found out, as always, I was nervous.
I haven’t been in this situation for a while. The last time, when there were eyes on me, I ended up arguing with a friend because I wasn’t comfortable going and getting food while everyone stared at me.
One of my biggest worries and fears is that people will look at me while I get food and think that I’m worthless – simply because I’m fat.
It’s not true. I know it isn’t. Not because I don’t see myself as worthless, but because I see so many other people who choose to describe themselves as fat and they’re so beautiful.
You do it, too. You’ve said that you were fat, or moaned about your face, but when I tried to make you feel better, you said I know. You know that fat isn’t a bad word, and I do too. But in the context of me – it somehow becomes a bad word. But for you, you’re so positive about it.
You: I’m so fat
Me: But you’re amazing, and beautiful, and cute!
You: I know.
I didn’t realise how positive you saw those words. But I should’ve known. How could you dislike yourself or how you look? You’re amazing in every sense.
So I understand why you told me off for using the word fat in a negative context. I keep telling people that your weight doesn’t affect your worth – and it’s true. My weight doesn’t make me ugly or worthless; those are just the thoughts circling my head.
I shouldn’t worry about the people who judge me for existing. I’m allowed to get some more damn pizza if I want to!
You were right. Why should I care what they think? Fuck ’em!
I wish it were that easy, I really do. Maybe one day it will be that easy? In the same way that I don’t care what people think on the internet – I’m just existing, doing what I enjoy…
Maybe one day, I will be able to ignore them and get that extra slice of pizza – and look fabulous while doing it.
Unfortunately, it took just over five years for me to realise that my weight isn’t my worth… So, I may not be storming the pizza trenches just yet, but I promise, I’ll do it eventually.
You already know this because you’re confident as fuck and know your damn worth, you amazing human being. But, I want to reiterate the fact that you’re amazing, beautiful, cute as fuck, badass, and one of the best people I’ve ever known.
I love you so much, and I promise that one day I will do your makeup – and I will do it terribly because as we already know, I can only do eyeshadow… And I will make you go through the blue eyeshadow phase that we all went through in High School while Britney Spears was still around.
Thank you for being such a positive person in my life and for keeping me sane for the past six months, because this has been a shitty fucking year…
I hope we go into the new year strong and continue to kick ass together ♥
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, Freddie