Waking Up He/Him

It’s a running joke with a friend of mine that, if I wake up on one side of the bed I’ll be feminine; the other side, I’ll be masculine; and if I wake up in the middle of the bed, I’m going to be androgynous…

It was the only way I could explain how my gender feels without going into the nitty-gritty stuff.

But, unfortunately, it’s not as easy or as simple as getting out of one side of the bed.

I was assigned female – it was a mistake, but it happened, and it does all the time. When I wake up on a morning, I have to assess the level of Body Dysphoria that I’m having in order to pick what I’m going to wear. This process can take anywhere from five to forty-five minutes… But it’s something that I have to do; otherwise, I could be stuck in clothes that make me feel mentally uncomfortable.

So, let me walk you through my morning routine:

I wake up; get out of bed; look at myself in the mirror – if I can’t look at myself with visible breasts, I’m probably not feminine. If I can see my boobs and not be bothered, I’m likely to be more androgynous. And, if I want my breasts to be on show, meaning I could willingly wear a bra or crop-top, then I am feminine.

This happens every morning. I’m lucky that my dysphoria is mainly top, which is relatively solvable by putting on a binder.

But, it happens most mornings where I wake up, and I have to guess which way I’m going to present myself. If I feel androgynous – I may be okay with my breasts, but I don’t always get an indication of whether or not I’m going to be able to hide them without feeling uncomfortable or flaunt them without being uncomfortable – it can go either way.

It makes me laugh when people say I’ve chosen this life for myself… Why would I?

I’m proud of being who I am, but I wouldn’t choose to be this way – to have to deal with the verbal, physical, and cyber abuse for being me… Why would I? But, at the same time – why should I conform and fit into society’s colour coded boxes? I just hope that we pave the way for the next Enby, Trans, and Gender Variant generation – to allow them to be who they are.

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